


But in silence my tongue is broken

by Dangerosa



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy being soft and supportive, Crying, Cuddles, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grammar mentions, Hurt/Comfort, Listen I just want Rosa to be loved, Non-Canon Relationship, PTSD, Poetry, Post Prison, Season 5 AU, Soft Rosa Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 02:40:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14823668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangerosa/pseuds/Dangerosa
Summary: "Rosa burst out crying. Safe. What the hell did that word ever mean to her? She never felt it."Established Amy/Rosa, set after her return from prison. A night where Rosa unravels and finally lets Amy in, meaningful words are exchanged, grammar is questioned, Sappho is whispered.





	But in silence my tongue is broken

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm back with my favourite non-canon pairing, here's some Pride Month content ™. Angst and fluff, and I might have self-inserted here and there because, honestly, I wrote this at 3 am in the middle of a personal crisis. I also wanted to know how Rosa felt after prison, because it truly isn't fair that they didn't show it. And you might notice that I'm a sucker for Soft Rosa. She deserves more love. 
> 
> (Sidenote: How great was season 5?? Viva the fucking 99, folks.)

"Amy?"  
"Babe, I'm right here. Shh. Everything is fine, you're safe, you're at my place."  
Rosa tried to even her breath, unsuccessfully. Amy reached for the light switch near her bedside table and sat up, pulling her girlfriend with her. She gathered her in her arms and rubbed circles on her back. Rosa leaned into her and squeezed her waist tightly. She was exhausted -exhausted of dealing with this. Instead of getting better, after weeks of getting out of prison, she felt she had only gotten worse, to the point of needing Amy's presence every single night to get a hint of decent sleep.  
"I'm sorry."  
"For the billionth time, Rosa, don't be. It's okay. You're getting through things. You're not doing anything wrong."  
"I'm being dumb. This shouldn't even bother me anymore."  
"What, having gone to prison?" Amy broke the embrace and looked into Rosa's eyes. "Yeah, you're right, no big deal. Prison as an innocent female police officer. Sounds like a blast. And solitary was probably so much fun."  
Rosa closed her eyes. Her girlfriend's sarcasm seemed too heavy right now. Everything did.  
"Amy don't."  
"Rosa, you have to-"  
"I said don't!" Her voice rang through the apartment. When she opened her eyes, Amy looked somehow frightened.  
"I'm sorry, Amy. I didn't - I didn't mean to scream at you. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it." Her breath caught in her throat and her girlfriend's eyes were suddenly on hers again.  
"Rosa. You need to breathe. You're hyperventilating." She couldn't. She kept shaking her head, a vertiginous fear choking her, panic rising inside her stomach, a feeling she'd become way too familiar with.  
"Babe. Hey, babe. Look at me. It's okay. You're safe now."

  
Rosa burst out crying. _Safe_. What the hell did that word ever mean to her? She never felt it. She was always ready to fight or fly because everything and everyone could be a threat. Safe. It was such a foreign concept it sounded mythological.  
She was shivering, tears running down her face. She felt Amy's hand approach her shoulder, and the shorter woman whispering "Is this okay?"  
She nodded. She didn't know what she needed, but Amy seemed like a good answer.  
Amy wrapped her arms around her softly again, and stayed quiet, letting her girlfriend cry with her face hidden on her shoulder. She'd seen Rosa cry so many times since she'd been back (though she'd never tell anyone). The first time was the day she went to prison, and it was nothing more than silent tears. All the following ones happened at night, between nightmares and anxiety attacks. She knew them, she usually followed protocol: she'd speak to Rosa gently, grounding her back into reality, made sure she was comfortable and warm and gave her a glass of water. Then she'd lay down and wait for her girlfriend to follow, which didn't take long. And then she'd hold her, until they both felt calm enough to rest. Rosa was the little spoon more often than not these days, and she'd made Amy swear she wouldn't say a word. And that was it. She never spoke about her dreams, about what haunted her. She cried in silence, panicked in silence, calmed down in silence.  
This time, Rosa didn't hold herself back. It felt like an eternity before she could breathe normally and raise her head from Amy's shoulder, meeting her eyes. Like every time, they were soft and worried. Amy couldn't pretend this was okay.   
"Rosa, talk to me..." She tucked a strand of hair behind her girlfriend's ear. She knew she couldn't force her to speak. She knew Rosa needed time. But she was still hoping that she'd finally open up , sooner rather than later.   
Rosa sniffled and nodded. She needed to get it out. She knew it, and she was suddenly hit with the realization that hiding it was becoming way harder than talking about it.   She wanted to tell Amy everything, even though one  night would not be enough. But she could at least start somewhere. And she supposed, that for once, there was no time like the present.  
"I dreamt of them, the women I was with. The ones that fucked me over, sent me to solitary. I'm not giving any names, but I got into so many fights I didn't tell you about. And I got my ass kicked sometimes. I went to sleep bleeding almost every night. Nobody gave a fuck. And in solitary, I was alone in a way I'd never been. You'd... You'd think I'd love it, being who I am," -she let out a dry laugh - "But it just felt like torture. And I started thinking of things... Things I thought I was over with a long time ago, things I couldn't handle thinking. That I _can't_ handle thinking. And I couldn't tell anybody. And then I couldn't tell you, because what could you do? It was only going to make you feel like shit, too."

Amy felt her heart break. It was tough to hear. And it wasn't even the whole story. Rosa had stopped talking and had her eyes shut, trying to breathe. Amy went back to holding her, and tried to come up with a smart suggestion, a soothing word, anything. And she couldn't. What was there to say in the face of such rawness? Deep down she knew that the best remedy was to talk about it, and so she could only listen. Listen to Rosa and helping her feel safe.  
"I cannot say I know how you feel, because I don't. But I can imagine, and I can feel how horrible it is, and I am very sorry you went through it because you don't deserve it. Not then and not now. "  
"It's just... I should be over it. I should be strong."  
"You are strong, Rosa. You are strong all the time and you are strong now for facing what you feel and, and telling me this even though I know it scares the fuck out of you."  
The taller woman hid her face on Amy's shoulder once again, a new kind of exhaustion overcoming her. Somehow she felt lighter and heavier at the same time.  
Amy ran a hand through her curls and rubbed circles on her back with the other. "Respira, mi amor*. It's alright. You're going to be alright, Ro. It doesn't matter how long it takes."  
Rosa sniffled and raised her head. What on Earth she had done to deserve a human being as loving and patient as Amy Santiago, she did not know.  
"I couldn't say this to anyone else, you know. I love you. So much." She pressed her lips against Amy's, which returned the kiss eagerly before breaking away.  
"I love you so much too -and the grammar of that sentence feels weird but it's still true, and it's three am, so, screw it."  
They both chuckled and Rosa fell back down on the bed, Amy's eyes on her. "Thank you for trusting me."  
"Thank you for making me."  
Amy turned off the light and smiled when Rosa curled up closer.  
They were both about to fall asleep when Amy opened her eyes again.  
"I, too, love you so much. That's the proper syntax."  
"You sound like Holt."  
"Shut up. Or... Thank you?"  
Rosa laughed. "You're welcome. I, as well, am quite fond of you", she said with a sleepy British accent. "Is that good enough, or do we try Shakespearian verses? Thomas More? A translation of Virgil?"  
Amy snorted and kissed the back of her neck.  
"You're everything. Also, I like Sappho better."  
"Of course you do. You read her to me once." Rosa turned around sleepily to look into her girlfriend's eyes. _"For the instant I look upon you-"_  
_"I cannot anymore speak one word._ " Amy completed, grinning, as Rosa wrapped an arm around her waist and closed her eyes, a small smile on her face.  
"Sleep well, poetry nerd."  
"You know you love it. You too, babe."

Amy waited quietly for a while, making sure Rosa was asleep and her breath was even, adjusting her position so she could wrap an arm around her and keep her close. When she felt her own eyes closing, she kissed her cheek gently and whispered one last verse, from the poem she'd read to herself every single night Rosa had spent locked away.

_"Come back to me [...] here tonight,_  
_You, my rose, with your Lydian lyre."_

**Author's Note:**

> *Means "Breathe, my love" in Spanish.
> 
> The quotes are from Sappho's poems 'Fragment 31 V' and 'Please' , respectively. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'll be editing some small parts of this in the following days, since it's now 4 am. I just knew that if I didn't post it today I never would've. Hope you enjoyed it, please let me know your thoughts, and kudos are always very appreciated!!  
> Love and happy Pride Month!


End file.
